Sunday, October 21, 2007

These boys are breaking my heart...

I didn't see it coming, but it did. Thursday we woke up and Reece refused to nurse. This wasn't a normal "I'm not hungry" mood. He starts screaming and pushing and writhing to get away from me whenever I try to nurse him. I am an emotional mess. I keep trying, but I'm not getting him to nurse four days later. I feel like I'm in mourning. I feel like he doesn't need me. I KNOW he does it's just all of these crazy emotions. I think I am struggling with this even more because Shane is now saying he doesn't want anymore kids. We've said we wanted four even when we were dating. It's taken me aback and quite honestly I'm devastated. I don't think he really gets how hurt I am over this. I'm glad he's being honest. I would never want to have more children if he wasn't excited about it. But I'm at a loss. I sort of joked to him how we might need some marriage counseling over this. I was only half joking. I feel like he just made this huge decision and I didn't get a say in it. And I'm trying to not be angry about it. I've been praying that when Reece is older I will either have a change of heart or Shane will. I just don't feel like we're done. Our family doesn't feel complete yet. Anyway, Reece not nursing is only compounding the problem. Is this the end? Is my body done in all respects to having babies? I didn't get to nurse Avery because she was early and I feel a little cheated that Reece is stopping at 6 months. I am going to keep offering to nurse him. There are success stories on- line of this happening. I'm not going to get my hopes up, but if Reece is the last one I really hope he will start to nurse again. And if he doesn't I am going to really start praying about God filling this desire of my heart. Whatever that means. I just don't want to ache for more kids the rest of my life or regret that we only had two children. I'm hoping that Shane's decision is based on the stress of living in limbo and once we are settled into our house with all of our stuff things could change. By the way, breastpumps suck. I am only getting an ounce in 20 minutes and I am no where near emptied. If I end up with mastitis over this I am going to be so mad.


LeslieW. said...

Dude, I am so sorry. I know the stress makes sucky things worse. It may change when Reece is older, everything is different when they can talk and feed themselves and play.

Have you seen the dr about the nursing? I wouldn't wait until it's too late. Maybe a lactation consultant? AND what kind of pump do you have? I know you can rent them from the hospital or a pump in style is a must...

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear of your frustrations, for lack of a better word!
Try not to worry about the breast feeding, stress only makes the process harder. Carlie never took so I pumped and pumped with her. The "rejection" does get easier when they transfer to a bottle.
As far as no more kids -- just pray about it. God will lead you both in the same direction. Just believe that His way will prevail. It always does!
Praying for you!!!

Dena said...

I hate that for you - I don't understand the ins and outs of nursing but I am sad for you that Reece has decided to stop -

i think your hubby is just stressed out with all that is going on - i don't think people decide in one day they don't want more children - relax yourself a bit - get ready for your BIG move!
Everything will fall into place as they should!