Saturday, March 29, 2008

On Edge...

I feel the need to get real. Shane's been working a lot lately. More than normal because of some really big projects going in. It's an awesome opportunity for him and I am proud of how successful things are going. The bummer is that it always takes its toll. Reece went 2 or 3 days without even seeing him. And Avery is old enough now that she acts out and whines wanting her Daddy. It really is taking a toll on her this time.
Every time I know his schedule is going to be like this I think to myself, "Ok, not this time. I am not going to get short with the kids, be grumpy or take it out on Shane." Guess what? Yup! I did all of the above and more! I was doing okay for awhile. And then this third week of it and I just was on the edge of a total drama queen meltdown. (I was also getting my "friend" this week which is never a good comination. Sorry to my father-in-law who reads this!) One night Shane even slept in the basement because things were so bad! I don't think in 5 years we've ever done that. It just got to be too much. I hate that I end up taking it out on him (and he's not totally innocent in this either), but here I am pushing away the very person I am desperately trying to spend time with more. AHHHH! I hate my sin nature!
God is so good in all of this though. This morning after weeks of being 24/7 with the kids and just feeling run down, I got to sleep until 8:30! Unheard of in mommyland! Shane got up with both of them, got them breakfast, and most importantly just got to BE with them. I could tell a huge difference in Avery's attitude already and Reece had no interest in me with Daddy around. (About 10 mos. old the boy decides he's all about Shane and me THE MOMMY isn't numero uno anymore!) Anyway, I feel so refreshed today. My kids are happy, my husband is outside building stuff, and I am just taking some nice deep breaths. Why couldn't my tantrum have waited just a few days more. The silver lining was coming. I KNEW it was coming, but I gave into the loneliness and stress of not having Shane around. God is so faithful during these times. He's probably wondering, "Every single time she loses it. I keep showing her I am here, I am taking care of all of them, and the long days will end...she gives in each time. But I love that girl so much so I am going to try to teach it to her again. I am not giving up on her. I am going to make her stronger and more dependent on me."

Ok Lord! Maybe next time I can last three weeks instead of just 2! I know you are teaching me patience, love, and sacrifice. I am so grateful for my life. You bless me more than I deserve! I love my beautiful babies, and I am crazy in love with my honey. Thank you for all three of them!

I spent a lot of time praying, reading the bible, and focusing on my love for Shane. That helped a lot. I watched our wedding video. I looked through all of our photos, read our vows, wrote a list about why I love him. Next time I hope to do this BEFORE I get ugly. Then maybe I will remember my vows to him, " I will make our home your safehaven." and actually act like I said I would that day almost 5 years ago. The title of my blog is "My cup runneth over" from Psalm 23. I had to really sit and think about this. My CUP is running over. God is doing amazing things all around me. I hate that I get caught up in myself and lose sight of this.


Chartering New Waters said...

I know how you feel. I am glad God blessed you with a great day!

PS- I knew you'd cross over to Meez!

Julie said...

Randy and I recently had an "episode" similar to yours. I definetly understand how you feel. I watched Hope Floats the other day, and the grandmother in the movie says that, "My cup runneth over." And that just got my heart stirring. We get so caught up in our emotions, we forget that if we pay attention to the little things, God points out His love for us. Sometimes, we are just so selfish!

LeslieW. said...

Dude, I am so sorry that things are up and down. I am more sad that I can't give you a big hug. Your marriage is going to have seasons, and they will pass. I promise. 5 was pretty rough for us too. At one point Kane didn't even want to come home because I was such a nag/brat. It will get better and this time will barely be a memory. Enjoy the time you have with him, let everything else wait. And put your physical relationship first. That does a wonder for the self esteem of a stressed out, over worked man. And never, never sleep apart again. Refuse for it to be an option. Big hugs to you both.

Dena said...

You were a beautiful bride! it's okay to have a tantrum now and again but just know it's only a moment in a lifetime!

and leslie was not bratty - i don't remember that at all!